How to respond to bigoted remarks

Several years ago, I read Encountering Bigotry: Befriending Projecting Persons in Everyday Life, a book that is now out of print.

I came across my notes from the book, and thought they might be of interest:

People make bigoted remarks because they are dealing with more emotional turmoil than they can handle, and are looking for support.  The remarks that they make are usually projections—they project onto other people the traits they cannot bear to see in themselves.  By making bigoted remarks to you, they try to win you to their side of a supposed "us vs. them" dichotomy.

These invitations should be rejected, because the sense of solidarity that arises from them is debased and sterile; an empty shell of true friendship.

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Bad ways to respond to bigoted remarks include:  confronting the person, denying the person's stated experience, withdrawing from the person, confirming the projection, and reacting too quickly.

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Finally, don't pretend to be a better person than you are or a better person than the other person—doing so only feeds the other person's anger and self-hatred.